my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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