You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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