I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
