I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
