I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
