This is not my ceiling
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
