Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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