I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
