god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
