The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I believe in your delicious
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
