I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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