Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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