PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
