Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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