I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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