When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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