I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
