$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
