You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
