this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
