the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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