my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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