I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
