The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
