she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
