need another drink. this is the easiest way
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
