I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
