I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Boobs speak an international language.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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