I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize
