mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
