im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
is wine microwaveable?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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