when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
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also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
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this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old