I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
