Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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