i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I wear drunk well.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
