I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
