They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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