An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.