Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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