I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
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i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
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That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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