I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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