i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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