I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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