I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
