Hey man sorry I got all grabby
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
