he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I want a musical about memes.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
