apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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