apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Every concussion has its silver lining
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
