Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
