I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
