I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We have started to decorate penises.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
