I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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