So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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