My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
