im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
