that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
