All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
