Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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