girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
