all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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