where am i from again
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
