Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My dick has a subreddit
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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