Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
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The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
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sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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