I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
